We've moved offices because our old office is being refurbished. There's nine of us crammed into a tiny room. It's really hot and we have to have loads of fans on all the time. There's no natural light and we have to climb over things and squeeze past people's chairs to get anywhere, and get buffeted in different directions by various fans, it's a bit annoying.

I've had to leave my best friend behind. I asked if he'd miss me, expecting a sarcastic response, but he just said, 'Yes' and looked a bit sad, which was nice.

Me and him and my other friend went to the pub after work on Friday. I can't normally go cos I have to pick up my daughter from the After School Club, but it was half term. We'd just got to the bar when this girl from my office turned up. She's very nice, she took me to the pub for my birthday and she's always been really friendly to me.

It was fine when it was the four of us. She started asking things about my marriage and we were having a laugh about some of the crazy things I'd been through.

But then my mate had to go and have a driving lesson, and when it was just the three of us it felt different. I was conscious that my other friend would rather talk to her than to me. She's very attractive in a sophisticated kind of way, and very clever and self-assured. She's in the process of building what will undoubtedly be a successful career, and I'm just stuck at a lower grade than I was in my early twenties.

She asked me more stuff about my past and she was very sympathetic, but my husband used to say that people are only nice to me cos they feel sorry for me, and that's how it felt. And I just became conscious of how inadequate I am.

My fifteen year old son has been angry a lot this weekend. Things are difficult what with not having a cooker or a washer. I can't make him anything he wants to eat and he gets angry and shouts. I know that's normal for a teenager, and all he wants is a mum who reacts normally. But I don't. As soon as he shouts I get all ridiculous. I panic and just want to run away. That makes him angry. He says that I'm 'acting the victim' which is a phrase his dad used all the time.

The thing is, his dad was violent and I had good reason to shake and cower. But I know my son isn't going to hit me, he just wants to vent his feelings, and he feels insulted that I act the way I do. He says that there are times when it makes him want to hit me, although he says he never would.

But will I always be like this? If I meet any other man who raises his voice will I go all stupid? And if I do, will it make him want to hit me? And does that mean that it was all my fault anyway, like my husband used to say, and that I made him hit me?

I feel very conscious of how screwed up I am, and I feel like I'm never gonna get it right. And I'm scared of being lonely and old.